Holy crap, I hate birds.

I'm home alone, sitting in my office happy as can be and all of a sudden I hear some freakish scratching sounds. I think it's something on my deck or something, so I ignore it.

It doesn't stop.

Ok, so now what? I wander around the house for awhile, waiting for what ever it is to make a noise again, and when it finally does I realize it's not coming from outside, it's coming from my fireplace. I grab a flashlight and slowly open the door to the fireplace. There's nothing there. I stand back up, staring at the fireplace waiting for something to happen, and again nothing does. I tap the chimney with the flashlight and the scratching sounds erupt from the chimney.

I look at the top of the fireplace and there is some crazy grey thing blocking the flames from getting into the chimney. Well, I had to reach in and move that thing, effectively covering myself in ash and soot. The thing is like a good 20 pounds and it takes both hands, which are now covered in grey and black ash. The instant I move it this little black monster comes flying out of the fireplace, flapping it's wings and flying right at my face. I scream but if I drop this 20 pound metal slab it'll brake something, most likely my foot. So the bird bounces off the top of my head and begins to fly around my house, slamming into windows, walls, and landing on my carpet. Now, because this bird just came out of the fireplace, like me it's covered in ash and soot and is now spreading it across my walls and couch and everything else it can slam into.

This isn't the first time this has happened, so I knew to bring the fishing net with me in case, the only good thing to happen. So, I set the metal slab down and pick up the fishing net and start chasing the stupid thing around. It bounces off the sliding glass door and lands on the ground, unharmed. My dog comes running over and begins to sniff it and tries to pick it up so I have to grab my dog and throw her in the other room to keep her away form the bird.

Of course the thing manages to get away from me during that time and hides in the shadows somewhere. I grab the net again and call my friend up. She has to go to class but comes over anyways with her own fishing net. While waiting for her I continue my hunt but to no success. She comes over and the first thing that happens when she walks in the door is the bird comes flying at her Kamikaze style and veers off at the last second. I'm chasing it and we both bolt after the thing. Somehow it manages to get away from both of us and continues to hide in some shadowed region. We spend the next ten minutes hunting for the stupid thing. Finally I let my dog out of the room and she runs right for the bird. I find it, with the help of my dog, throw my fishing net over it, and grab it.

Finally things are under control. I've got the little thing in my hand, take it outside, and let it go. By now my friend is late for school and has to leave right away, leaving me to clean up the ash and soot all over the walls, couch, and carpet.

I swear, if a bird ever lands in my fireplace again I'm leaving it there until winter.